Heaviest Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was discovered recently at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad) has no protons or electrons, thus it has an atomic number of zero. It does, however, have one neutron, 75 associate neutrons, 111 deputy associate neutrons, and 125 assistant deputy associate neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles, called memos.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is highly inert, though far from noble. Nevertheless, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it takes part. According to one of the discoverers of the element, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction, which normally takes less than a second, take over four days to go to completion.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately four years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes an internal reorganization in which associates to the neutron, deputy associates to the neutron, and assistant deputy associates all exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass actually increases during each reorganization.

Researchers at other laboratories throughout the world have had little difficulty in verifying the existence of Administratium. While Ad(312) has been found primarily by scientists at national laboratories, scientists at other major research centers have encountered a variety of isotopes of Administratium. But the only difference seems to be the atomic mass, since all the known isotopes of Administratium are equally inert, scientists report. For this reason, researchers have all but ruled out any useful application for the element. "If anything useful comes from its discovery," says one scientist, "it's that now we can identify it, eliminate it, and stockpile it where it won't interfere with anything."